I Forgive Me and I Forgive You

I forgive me

I really messed up. Crushing guilt has damaged my ability to be myself in relationships. The barrage of negative thoughts and assumptive judgements have taken way too much of my time and energy. The anger that arrises over simple mishaps has brought me to my knees far too many times. So, “I forgive me.”

Those were only words at first, my behaviors didn’t catch up for a while. Capturing my thoughts took considerable time and effort. The feelings still crop up, but most of the time, as long as I am not over extended and have had enough sleep, I can readily dispatch them by replacing the negative thoughts with reality checks, in-the-moment grounding techniques, and remembering memories of actions that came from my higher self; the me I want to be.

Reality Checks:

If I lost my temper and feel like a terrible person, I remind myself that I am not the same person all the time. I mostly choose how I will respond and most of the time, I don’t lash out at the other people or animals around me anymore. We can grow in grace. We can incrementally, intentionally be kind, compassionate, understanding, and empathetic.

Grounding Techniques: 

When it is a memory of past bad choices or having flashbacks of times I’m mortified to recall, alerting my whole being to the present time and space is immensely helpful. For example, I was a screaming mom. The thought of that now is devastating. Childhood trauma was all too unresolved when I had my children. The impact never goes away. So, perpetuating anxiety, poor attachment, difficulty in decision making, lack of confidence, and maladaptive behaviors by screaming at my children when they were young breaks my heart more than any other things I’ve experienced.

Children are not little adults. Our physiology, emotional and mental capacity are stunted or expanded by experiences.  We didn’t know how the world works of have any idea of what is expected, unless taught. Children spill, squander, fall, make messes and test boundaries. They must, it’s just how we learn; part of growing up.

Now, when I recall my bad behavior, my response is to look around the room; see things, listen for the sounds around me, feel my breath, my feet on the floor or something in my hands, take a taste of food or a drink and smell something present. Then, I can be present. Then, I can remind myself that I have asked them for forgiveness and I can forgive myself too.

Hope of a Higher Self:

Whether in the company of others or by myself, if I am angry, I get curious. Why am I angry? What are the needs or desires unmet? How can I meet those or resolve the issue with empathy?

Using my prefrontal cortex to step out of the current situation to remember similar times when I chose the right responses or to insert reasoned facts relative to the moment often relieves the pressure. I can then choose the response that is appropriate for the person I want to be.

When dealing with adults, children, animals, traffic, technology, weather, machines, systems, or too just much at one time, remembering that we are free to choose our responses has been revolutionary to reaching for the hope of a higher self.

When we forgive ourselves, we are free to live as our desired self. 

My desired self is forgiving. “I forgive you,” -not a phrase lightly tossed about. It is a deep yearning for peace. More on that in the next post.